


you can't run your shadow (or insanity)

by orphan_account



Category: Elementary (TV)
Genre: Drug Addiction, F/M, Gen, Mental Health Issues, References to Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-07
Updated: 2012-08-07
Packaged: 2017-11-11 15:10:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/479848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account





	you can't run your shadow (or insanity)

She’d like to pretend he’s okay. She’d like to pretend that she’s at their apartment, her old quilt snuggled around her shoulders. She’d liked to pretend that she was wearing her favorite Army sweatshirt instead of his blood streaked sweater. She’d like to pretend they were watching the news, dramas, soap operas, and the six thousand other things he would watch at one time. (Maybe it was starting to be enduring. But she wouldn’t have admitted it to him.) She’d liked to pretend that she still thought Mycroft Holmes was his father rather than the cold and distant brother chain smoking outside. His suit expensive and well pressed while his brother laid in a paper thin hospital gown.

She closed her eyes.

The vision never came.

_Bipolar disorder or bipolar effective disorder, historically known as manic-depressive disorder, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes._

She recognized the doctor. A trauma surgeon, Jewish, tiny in stature she was sure that his name was Goldman. He looked older than the last time she saw him when had been a medical student. It was like the responsibility had done the job of ten years. She shuttered. She remembered when she had just finished her residency with the Army. Her shoulders sagged. Her eyes were dull. War may have brought success to her classmates and friends, but nothing but misfortune for her.

“Are you Dr. Watson.” He muttered, a statement rather than a question. He pushed up his thick rimmed glasses over the bridge of his nose.

“Yes.” She said hoarsely. Ice water seemed to replace her blood, coursing through her body. She pulled the sweater closer to her body. She could still smell the expensive cologne and cigarette smoke that had always been a trademark of Sherlock’s. It made her want to vomit.

He smiled softly. Goldman handed her a thick set of papers and a pen. “I’ll need you to sign and initial. When you’re finished you can hand it over to Julie in the office.”

She flipped through them as he turned to reenter the ICU.

“Wait!” She called after him. “These are meant for the next of kin.” Goldman stopped. A smile grew slowly on his face. It made him looked younger. “We-we aren’t related. You’re probably looking for his brother.”

“No, Doctor, he named you as his next of kin. Power of attorney too. So, uh, sorry but you’re stuck with them.”

She was stuck with them. She collapsed into the nearest chair attempting to make quick work of it. Most of it was standard. Her name, birth date, and address were to go on lines one through five; his name, birth date, address, and Social Security number went on lines six through nine. She had done this thousands of times. When she broke her arm, when her brother sprained her ankle, during med school, when her mother was moved from ICU to hospice, no big deal. But why, this time, did she feel a pit growing at the bottom of her stomach?

_Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder include persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation, or hopelessness; disturbances in sleep and appetite; fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyable activities; problems concentrating; loneliness, self-loathing, apathy or indifference; depersonalization; loss of interest in sexual activity; shyness or social anxiety; irritability, chronic pain (with or without a known cause); lack of motivation; and morbid suicidal ideation. In severe cases, the individual may become psychotic, a condition also known as severe bipolar depression with psychotic features. These symptoms include delusions or, less commonly, hallucinations, usually unpleasant._

“Has the patient ever experience any sort of depression before past or present?”

He had lashed out at her once.

He hadn’t moved from his bed for days. He hadn’t changed for days. Simply laid there all day long, staring at the wall.

“Holmes,” Joan said quietly on his fifth day of self imposed isolation. “Holmes, I’m going to Brooklyn to visit with an old friend of mine. Do you want to come?”

He did not move. Not even a simple shift under the pressure of her arm. He simply rose and sunk with each breath.

“Holmes, did you hear me?”

There was a soft muttering.

“Holmes, are you listening?”

It grew louder.

“Holmes?! You need to get up. Now.”

With one violent motion, Sherlock had grabbed his glass and thrown it at her. She ducked, and it hit the plaster. It shattered on the ground. Its shards collecting in a small heap on the floor.

“Get. Out. Now.”

Joan stood there in shock, her body frozen. He rolled over to face her. His face was twisted into a sneer. His eyes were dead, though, no longer the hive of intellectualism. Tear tracks gleamed in the filter sunlight.

“Are dumb or deaf? Or both. Now, get out. ”

Joan circled the little “yes”.

_Mania is the signature characteristic of bipolar disorder and, depending on its severity, is how the disorder is classified. Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated mood, which can take the form of euphoria. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep, with many often getting as little as three or four hours of sleep per night, while others can go days without sleeping. A person may exhibit pressured speech, with thoughts experienced as racing. Attention span is low, and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired, and sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant, or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable, or as if they have been “chosen” and are “on a special mission” or have other grandiose or delusional ideas. Sexual drive may increase. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood. Some people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose._

She wanted to pretend again. She wanted to pretend that he hadn’t overdosed. She wanted to pretend she had done her job as his sober companion and more importantly as his friend. She wanted to pretend that he hadn’t overdosed on cocaine. She wanted to pretend he hadn’t tried to commit suicide. She’d like to pretend that her fingers weren’t intertwined with limp ones. She’d like to pretend he was covered in bruises and swollen lumps. She’d like to pretend he was okay. She winced.

Joan Watson had never been good at pretending.

_Suicidal ideationis a common medical termfor thoughts about suicide, which may be as detailed as a formulated plan, without the suicidal act itself. Although most people who undergo suicidal ideation do not commit suicide, a significant proportion goes on to make suicide attempts. The range of suicidal ideation varies greatly from fleeting to detailed planning, role playing, self-harmand unsuccessful attempts, which may be deliberately constructed to fail or be discovered, or may be fully intended to succeed._


End file.
